While professionals, together with certain areas of the community, are becoming more aware of the impacts of children with autism on the family and in school, there are still vast misunderstandings in regard to adults on the autism spectrum. These misunderstandings are especially in regard to the impacts of autism in adulthood, both on the adults with autism themselves, and on people in their close relationships (Wilson, Beamish, Hay, & Attwood, 2014; Wilson, Hay, Beamish, & Attwood, 2017). Adults with autism that are considered high-functioning with average to high IQs do form relationships, marry and have children. Frequently, however, they remain unidentified. These adults are usually highly qualified and capable workers, and their autism remains camouflaged beneath layers of coping strategies and defence mechanisms. Yet, adult relationships are complex with inherently unpredictable outcomes (Duck & Wood, 1995). Behind the closed doors of the home, adults with autism usually experience great difficulties due to the natural demands placed on them to function competently in an intimate social environment (Aston & Forrester, 2002; Attwood, 2015). Multiple communication failures and resulting frustration from inabilities to resolve relationship issues can lead those involved in neurodiverse relationships to act in anger towards each other. Depending largely on whether the relevant personality types are essentially passive or aggressive, adults on the autism spectrum can resolve these difficult circumstances in a defensive way, either by withdrawing or shutting down, or by control and aggression (Grigg, 2012). The approach used to handle issues may be different, with emotional “meltdowns”, complaints and criticisms of their significant others, anger, and potentially threats of violence resulting (Mendes, 2015; Simone, 2009). The outcome can be an intensification of conflicts within neurodiverse relationships (Clements, 2005; Patel, Day, Jones, & Mazefsky, 2017; Pugliese, Fritz, & White, 2014).
Evidence suggests that adults on the autism spectrum appear to express their personality through two distinct ways; a passive or inward manner or else in an aggressive or outward manner (Soderstrom, Rastam, & Gillberg, 2002). The passive, quieter adults with autism have a propensity to withdraw when problems arise and those who are more arrogant and aggressive are inclined to act out in a hostile manner when dealing with problems (Attwood, 2015; Wilson et al., 2017). Either way, when people behave in detached, disengaged ways or in hostile aggressive ways in their relationships, these behaviours usually lead to relationship break down. Gottman and Gottman (2017) report that when “the four horsemen”, (i.e., criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling) are present in a couple’s conflict discussion, it usually has an adverse effect on that relationship, often resulting in divorce. Similar results can pertain to any type of relationship.
Although the two types of adults on the autism spectrum fall along a continuum from passive to aggressive, passive people on the spectrum can and do experience moments of meltdown and aggression, and those who tend to be more aggressive can quietly withdraw, on occasion as well. However, while the behaviour of an individual is more often than not, one way or the other, still many people with autism will experience meltdowns. A meltdown is not the same as a temper tantrum. ‘Meltdown’ is a term used to describe the condition of a person who is under pressure or stress and has reached a point where they can no longer cope. It is a state of panic and acute anxiety which results in an intense response to an overwhelming situation. Meltdowns occur across the lifespan of those with autism. Attwood (2015) reports that “when feeling angry, the person with Asperger’s syndrome does not appear to be able to pause and think of alternative strategies to resolve the situation, considering his or her intellectual capacity and age. There is often an instantaneous physical response without careful thought. When the anger is intense, the person with Asperger’s syndrome may be in a ‘blind rage’ and unable to see the signals indicating that it would be appropriate to stop” (Attwood, 2015, p. 155).
While not always the case, if those who have a tendency to be more arrogant and aggressive experience this “blind rage” aspect of anger, they may potentially become abusive. Additionally, those who are more passive, when experiencing a meltdown, also have the potential to become abusive. Typically, abusive relationships experience a cyclic pattern that moves through three phases. These are: the tension-building phase where there is a build-up of conflict; the acute explosion phase where abuse occurs; and the honeymoon stage where the abuser attempts to make up for the abuse that has occurred. In neurodiverse relationships, similar to the standard cycle of abuse, when domestic abuse occurs it occurs in a pattern, but there are distinct differences. While the tension-building phase and the acute explosion phase can appear quite similar, within neurodiverse relationships, these phases usually occur for very different reasons than what is customary. Stemming from the main differences that indviduals with autism have in the areas of social interaction and social reciprocity (Attwood, 2015; Tantam, 2012), often the experience of frustrations and problems with communication can result in multiple misunderstandings and misinterpretations. These issues can result in disputes that become unresolvable, with inabilities to repair the situation once over (Wilson (Wilson et al., 2014; Wilson et al., 2017). The subsequent pressure or stress as the tension rises can cause misunderstandings upon misinterpretations which are built upon further misunderstandings and misinterpretations. The outcome can be a state of panic and acute anxiety for adults on the spectrum. The consequential meltdown can appear quite similar to the acute explosion phase of the cycle of abuse. However, while a different cause, it can still result in abusive behaviour.
One main difference to the standard cycle of abuse, though, is that the honeymoon stage usually does not occur at all. It is not that those with autism do not feel sorry for transgressions. They can feel quite strongly about wrongdoing, but usually it is about the wrongdoing of others, not very often, their own. Inability to feel remorse, or accept even partial responsibility (Attwood, 2015), together with “mind-blindness” – (the lack of ability to imagine someone else’s point of view), with the consequential denial of wrongdoing, and their complex and multi-layered coping mechanisms and defensive strategies, all work collectively to make it difficult for those with autism to see that any abusive behaviour they carry out, or what results from their meltdowns, can in fact, actually be abuse. Mind-blindness can cause them to believe that since they have good intentions toward their loved ones, when they have caused harm in some way, the good intention covers it all. Mind-blindness can also cause those with autism to struggle with understanding that they are still held accountable for the harm they have caused when they didn’t intend it (Bentley, 2007; Marshack, 2009). They may say sorry since it is “the way things are done” or it is a requirement placed upon them, but not because they actually feel remorseful for the impacts on another, especially as they did not mean it! Consequently, not perceiving that an apology is the first step towards reconciling a problem, and that repair of the damage done is also required, those with autism usually do not feel ashamed, regularly do not see the necessity to justify anything, and commonly do not attempt to make up. Often it is as if whatever happened, never even happened (Aston, 2014; Rench, 2014; Simone, 2009). Once over, it ought not be discussed further.
Dr. Bronwyn Wilson
References
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